Two years of my life I tried to recover, but as you can see I wasn’t successful at that moment in time.I tried to go on living life as if there wasn’t anything wrong with how I was living; essentially in denial.
I went to university then the next year to college while working 2 jobs and still was convinced that I was putting enough effort into recovering but still couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better.
Apparently the light bulb never went off in my head.
The years that were supposed to be the best ones of my life were spent drinking disgusting light beers and watered down cocktails while my friends indulged and lived life.
I lost my love for the one sport that took me to university in the first place and ended up quitting before my year was up.
My 6 year relationship suffered, ending in a break up because I lost the desire to put any effort into making things work and focused on my “health”. I stop wanting to do things together because that meant stepping outside of the comfortable routine that I had made for myself.
Here I am 3 year later and what did I realize?
MY HEALTH NEEDS TO COME FIRST, not sometimes but ALWAYS
Having an eating disorder doesn’t just affect your eating habits, it has an affect on EVERY aspect of your life. When I say every, I mean literally everything from going to the bathroom, how you sleep at night to how you enjoy your vacation.
Oh Vacation… exactly what this past year has been for me
I came abroad thinking that everything would magically get better and that I would just indulge in all of the french food and life would be grand.
Yeah, think again. Having that mentality only fueled my disorder even farther until five months later I reached a point where enough was enough.
In the beginning (as in the first week) I truly indulged. I didn’t work out, I ate macarons, crepes, baguettes, cheese… you name it. Then as I became more comfortable with my surroundings my little vacation ended and life continued to fall back in place.
My birthday cake from September that I had two bites of…shame on me
I was alone during the days and once again in control of what I was eating and had the freedom to exercise whenever I wanted. I thought it was fine still in denial that this life was anything but positive.
I fell right back into the fitness community but this time decided that I wanted to be one of those girls with the amazing kayla itsines transformation. I spent my days scrolling and reloading images hashtagged #bbg to get “Inspiration” and “motivation” to push myself to do the workouts. I got stuck in the comparison trap which once again fueled my disordered eating and thoughts.
Along the way I met an amazing guy who changed my life, and really pushed me to make changes but sadly I pushed him away once again as I had done with every other guy that had come into my life.
When I went home at Christmas time and surprised my family, that was when it hit me; That I had not made 1 ounce of improvement in those 4 months abroad but yet got worse.
That January was when I finally decided to put this disorder to an end and focus primarily on making changes for my OWN health.
How did I do this?
I enrolled in nutrition school. You’re probably thinking “that’s stupid, she’s just going to learn more about nutrition and health” That’s true I have, but I’m learning the right way to do it this time around, and not relying on Instagram and Blogs to educate myself. Integrative Nutrition focuses on Bio-Individuality which has been HUGE for me in realizing that everyone truly does require their own diet and no two people are alike. It’s really helped with the comparison issues I was having.
Socially I needed to less introverted so I started proactively making plans to get me away from the house.
I stopped meal prepping and allowed myself to be more flexible and listen to my real hunger cues.
I no longer was trying to be a part of that #bbg community that seemed to be all of the rage at the time.
Food wise, I stopped restricting EVERYTHING. This was the hardest part for me in the beginning. I would be eating double the amount of the people around me, and often sneaking food to eat when they weren’t around because my body was often experiencing extreme hunger. I embraced the bloat and threw away all of the clothes that I had been holding onto as a sense of comfort.
By letting go of everything that had been dragging me down, I’m feeling stronger than I ever had when I was pushing my body to extreme measures that it didn’t deserve.
Trust me, things will not just magically get better unless you decide for yourself that you’re ready to make a change.
Be strong and put your health first.
- Have you noticed other aspects of your life being affected by your eating/exercise habits?