I don’t eat pop tarts and I don’t eat Ben and jerrys
Does that make me any less of a person?
I sure hope not.
Does that mean I don’t fit in
Fit into what?
Scroll through any iifym or #edrecovery tags and every 5 posts is one of these two.
So many times I’ve gotten criticized for not pushing myself on recovery enough cause I don’t “indulge” in these foods. Indulging if you wish is exactly what fueled my disorder and drove my mindset deeper and deeper into the restrictive state it was in.
Don’t get me wrong I have a huge respect for those who are finding the freedom of bringing these foods back into their diets but this path wasn’t for me.
I remember back when I bought a box of pop-tarts and my mom asked why I “miss health freak, sugar is bad for you” had just spent money on a box of childhood pop-tarts. ” They’re all the rage in the fitness world” was what came to mind as I tried to insure her that these were magically going to heal me from all of my problems.
Sadly, this was the first instagram picture i posted from my trip to the US…
I was changing who I was in an attempt to fit into this world that deep down I didn’t even want to be apart of.
Disorder eating and eating disorders are not only mentally and physically straining on your body but in my own personal experience insanely expensive.
This is where social media can become negative in an opposite sense that many of us may think. Seeing all of these posts of ice cream and pop tarts and branded products I felt discouraged as if I wasn’t pushing myself far enough because I wasn’t eating what they were. Little did I realize I would compare myself to those eating almost nothing and those eating a lot more than myself, there was no balance.
I began saving all of my “macros” (that were way to low for me anyways) for night so I could have those protein bowls for my #carbsafterdark .. gosh how silly that seems now to see that written out like that.
Search the hashtag #questbar and the posts will be either from iifym followers or those recovering from eating disorders; no consistency but yet complete opposites.
I’ve been there.
I thought that by forcing myself into the fitness world I would cure myself of my disordered thoughts and behaviors and boy was I wrong. Come to find out that majority of the people that I looked up to were actually in positions similar to mine but I couldn’t see that.
Social media is deceiving.
Growing up I was forced to eat pop-tarts every day before leaving for school and now I truly don’t have the desire or craving to eat pop-tarts .
I also grew up in a family where ice cream meant the no name 4 liter tubs that came in your basic flavors. The fact that a small pint of B&J costs more than 4 liters of something I can get the same or more pleasure from eating baffles me.
Today, I have a much better balance with listening to my cravings. I’m no longer trying to be someone that I’m not, nor want to be.
I’m just me; and that me enjoys baguettes, cheese and a whole lot of wine.